Ooops.

[Content warning for ED stuff… Like always.]

I made the mistake of telling my aunt what I actually weigh yesterday, and now she’s all worried. Ooops.

Now she’s on my case about my not eating enough, I need to eat more, I need to get a job so I’m moving around more so I can get bone and muscle weight back. (Of course that’s assuming I would also eat enough to gain while moving around all day I’m not sure about that one ooops.)

Augh.

First of all I’m eating just fine. Sure, the prozac kills my appetite but I’ve still been forcing down three meals a day and snacks and crap. Nevermind that nobody gives a fuck how hard that is for me. I need to eat more. :I

Second, none of my doctors wanted me to gain at this weight. They just wanted to keep me from losing more. So there.

And third if I could find a fucking job I’d have one by now. But thanks for that.

I know she’s just being concerned but it’s frustrating. Everyone treats me like I’m relapsing hardcore because I lost a little weight and I’m like… I ate ice cream in front of everyone yesterday without thinking twice. And I’m being accused of relapse? Yeah ok so I slipped a little during my depression but I’m fine so chill.

Totally writing novellas on facebook about why I refuse to encourage people in their weight loss endeavors..

I made a post about how much declarations of “I lost x pounds!” bother me and how I refuse to congratulate people for that. Someone challenged me on it saying he doesn’t see what my deal is? Only in nicer words. And… I think I’m a little manic right now? (Is it possible to have bouts of mania without being bipolar?) So normal ability to go on forever has been put on hyperdrive….

And nobody has realized that I’m recovering from an eating disorder somehow?

Ok so I’m black and male and nobody thinks that black men get EDs but COME ON. I know way too much about this shit to be healthy.

I mean really.

In other news, I’m nearly three months purge-free!!!

Have I been tempted? HELL YES. But it is getting easier. I never thought it would, but it has been.

I mean, to be honest, without bulimia, my depression and body image are worse than ever… But I am much better equipped to work on them now (evenwithoutmytherapistormedsbecauseIhavenomorefuckinginsurance). I’m still recovering, not just from my eating disorder, but from depression and social anxiety disorder and trauma and whatever else… But it would be impossible to make progress with any of that if I were still in the middle of juggling all of those disordered behaviors.

I doubt that the temptations will go away, but I also doubted I’d ever get this far so who knows.

And, to those of you still fighting this battle, in the thick of it, maybe you don’t see it, and maybe there’s no convincing you that there is hope, but there is, I promise. Even if you don’t believe me, it’s worth fighting for just in case.

And for the record, I believe in you. I believe you can beat this thing. You are stronger than you think, and you deserve to get better. Remember, when you eat healthily and challenge yourself, you’re hacking away at your eating disorder with a chainsaw. Remember how it screwed up your entire life? Really a chainsaw isn’t enough. Show it who’s boss.

I’ve been hungry between meals recently…

It’s…

odd.

I mean it’s heaps better than being overfull all of the time but I’m never sure what to do about it.

Ahaha.

I guess I’ll try adding more extras to my meals/snacks and see how that goes..? I’m already eating so much, but I do want to be able to eat mindfully… Which means trusting my body. Eheh… It’s a process.

At least my hunger cues are working again.

Also, I haven’t binged or purged once since before treatment… Which was over a month ago (holy crap where did the time go?). So that’s really super-awesome. :D

To those of you in recovery:

You are some of the strongest, bravest people out there. You might feel that you aren’t. You might feel like crap all of the time.. But you are.

Because you know what? Challenging and standing up to an eating disorder is really fucking hard. Hard doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And even if you slip up, you’re still strong and brave. Even if you relapse, even if you’re just in the beginnings of recovery. Even you’ve only gotten as far as considering recovery… Only thinking about it from time to time.

That takes so much strength. Challenging your eating disorder in any way, even a little bit, takes so much strength. Even if your eating disorder wins, it is not stronger than you. When I see you out there pushing forward little by little, to know that it’s even possible to do so. It’s so inspiring.

And I have all kinds of respect for you.