I love my friends

but most of them are unbearably white.

I need to get out of Whitey McWhitersville.

I can’t do this anymore…!

I need to talk to someone who doesn’t go on about Macklemore as though he’s the first ever rapper to have something important to say. I need to talk to people who don’t think that being “colorblind” is a good way to handle racial issues.

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I think I’m getting a cold…

That’s not how it’s supposed to work for me! I don’t get physically ill! I get all of the mental illnesses but stay magically immune to physical ones! :P

Like when I was in school and everyone got sick except for me. This happened a lot.

But then I dropped out due to mental illness. This happened more than once as well. Lol.

But now I’m getting a cold or flu or something. My record has been broke.

Oh well…..

OMG THESE FUCKING MEDS.

I just came out of a hypomanic episode like three days ago.

I’m pretty sure I’m going into one again.

Did the other one ever even really end?????

YES. LEAVE THE BIPOLAR PATIENT ON PROZAC GREAT IDEA A++++++

And OMG my family made coffee and caffeine is such a terrible fucking idea for me right now but it looks so delicious. We even have milk for once! And cookies! AAAAAH. COFFEE NO WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME WHY TEMPT ME WITH YOUR DELICIOUS WONDER??

Also apparently today is a holiday which a lot of people celebrate by having presents and stuff but my family always celebrated it by going out for Chinese food and complaining about how everything is closed? Anyway I hope it is enjoyable to you whether you celebrate it or not.

My sense of humor has officially sailed past what is considered “acceptable”.

[TW: depression, suicide, eating disorders]

My dad keeps getting upset because I keep making jokes about how I tried (and failed) to kill myself… And other uncomfortable aspects of my mental illnesses. Oops.

I mean it’s hilarious to me because I’m still alive. I mean I guess I’m technically alive anyway. I dunno when I talk about it to myself in my head I think of it as “that time I died” but I never really felt alive to begin with… My feelings of lack of existence have just found something new to latch onto. Pff.

Being inpatient at a psych ward does something to your sense of humor… Heh. And this was just a quiet little “voluntary” unit. “Voluntary” is in quotes because it’s voluntary on their terms… But it is still a lot easier to get out of.

Also, I am 100% sure that if I stayed depressed/didn’t start being (hypo)manic while at the hospital I woulda been sent involuntarily to the state hospital for failing to eat. I lucked out.

I feel like my whole discharge was just dumb luck.

Them: “Oh, you’re not depressed anymore! It’s so nice to see! You can go.”
Me: “…Ok but I’ve done nothing.”

So whenever this episode crashes I’m probably going to just end up in a hospital again (Not that I plan on it because ugh.). I’m supposed to be “staying positive” but I also know what I’m like when I’m depressed. I mean I’m not depressed right now and while I don’t actively want to kill myself or nothin, I still can’t functionally reason why it’d be that bad of an idea if I came to it. Hahaha I didn’t tell the people at the hospital that though, they might not have let me go. ».

Fuck everything

I just want to disapppear right now. I’m sick and hideous and spoiled and dumb. I don’t deserve any of the things I have and I shouldn’t even bother. I’m just an unappriciative spoiled fuck who sees everything the wrong way and needs to stop whining about things that clearly aren’t important because I guess it’s more important that people feel comfortable using opressive language around me than it is I have any kind of safe space at all.

….

I don’t consider it summer until my best friend gets out of school… I’m moving nearer to him soon, and he’s going to have a car and a licence soon. He is the only person on this entire fucking planet that I feel safe around…

I’ma tired of being expected to suck it up and feel the way people want me to feel instead of how I actually feel.

I get it I get it.

My thoughts, ideas, and observations don’t matter. My feelings about these things are irrelevant.

They only exist to be unceremoniously smashed into the floor and ground under the heel.

I get it.

I should just shut up and agree with people.

My life would be so much easier.

I’d rather be alone, even isolated, than feel this lonely.

Nobody in my family cares about my thoughts, ideas, or experiences. All that matters to them is having the last word. I feel like everything I think is so stupid and worthless.

I’m so angry at them, but I hate myself too. I wish I were better… just… A better person. I’m such a fuck up.