I’m wrong about everything

and I’m selfish for wanting validation

wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

If I could disappear without hurting anyone I’d do it in a heartbeat.

I guess I should be glad that something is tethering me here
keeping me
well
alive

but it doesnt always feel worth it
and
it hurts
i hurt
i wish i could be ok
that i could stop being depressed and miserable and unable to see the good in things

and my dad tells me im not trying hard enough

…

if i werent trying hard enough id be dead

Fuck everything

I just want to disapppear right now. I’m sick and hideous and spoiled and dumb. I don’t deserve any of the things I have and I shouldn’t even bother. I’m just an unappriciative spoiled fuck who sees everything the wrong way and needs to stop whining about things that clearly aren’t important because I guess it’s more important that people feel comfortable using opressive language around me than it is I have any kind of safe space at all.

….

I don’t consider it summer until my best friend gets out of school… I’m moving nearer to him soon, and he’s going to have a car and a licence soon. He is the only person on this entire fucking planet that I feel safe around…

I’ma tired of being expected to suck it up and feel the way people want me to feel instead of how I actually feel.

I get it I get it.

My thoughts, ideas, and observations don’t matter. My feelings about these things are irrelevant.

They only exist to be unceremoniously smashed into the floor and ground under the heel.

I get it.

I should just shut up and agree with people.

My life would be so much easier.

I’d rather be alone, even isolated, than feel this lonely.

Nobody in my family cares about my thoughts, ideas, or experiences. All that matters to them is having the last word. I feel like everything I think is so stupid and worthless.

I’m so angry at them, but I hate myself too. I wish I were better… just… A better person. I’m such a fuck up.